It’s hard to fathom that it’s been about 5 months since I met my mom in Korea. The time has flown by, and all the things I wanted to when I returned don’t seem remotely possible anymore.
1. Learn Korean – Well, I did enroll in a free Korean language course for a few months when I returned. I got a copy of Rosetta Stone and studied in the morning before work every day. Posted on my cousins’ and sister’s facebook wall in Konglish, and tried from time to time to write to my mom in Korean too. But I know that if I really truly want to learn Korean, I will have to move to Korea for a little while.
2. Keep In Touch – My cousins and sister joined facebook. We message each other from time to time, and every once in a while I get to see photos of vacations and even marriages. And I’ve come to realize that my mom keeps up on my life by checking on my facebook photos and status messages. It’s a tough way to communicate, but it will have to do for now. I’ve been told by other adoptees that keeping up communication post-reunion is tough. And I’m realizing how hard it really is to have another family yet not be able to communicate directly.
3. Sort Out My Feelings – The reality of meeting my mom for the first time is just starting to set in-call it decompression, or whatever. It has finally happened, and here I am, in the same place as before but with a knowledge of a family that exists in another country. What does this mean for my relationship with both my families? How do I feel about not knowing my father’s side of the family? Will I ever feel like I want to meet him? Could I ever forgive myself if I asked my mom to help find him after everything he’s put her through?
4. Resume Life – My life has been on hold ever since I got back…Well, it’s been on hold for a few years, but it’s felt more pronounced lately. I feel like I need to move on to whatever my next step is in life. However, I know there is this nagging urge to tackle everything related to my family whether it’s language acquisition, developing new relationships with my family, and maybe even reconciling with my father.
5. Reality – I know it’s only been a few months since my trip. But I feel like I’m being pulled in multiple directions, so much so, that I am standing still as families, languages, and complex circumstances play tug of war with my body and mind…
I need some assurance from other KADs that this is normal. Although I AM part of the KAD community, I feel lost-the same type of lost I felt as a kid. -GS