It’s been over a month since I found out that Holt has contact information for my birth mother. It’s information that may have been withheld from me for some time. Back when I turned 18 I initiated a search for my birth parents through a private investigator in Korea-a PI who family friends had had relative success with. Unfortunately I was told that identifying information was not on record for me, and even knowing my surname would be like searching for a needle in a haystack. So I gave up.
Now, after some time, I sort of haphazardly requested more information regarding my birth mother and it magically appeared. I suppose I’m not surprised, but what’s perhaps more astonishing to me is that I’ve hesitated since I received the information. It seems like the one thing that has been driving me through out my life-this notion that some day I might have the opportunity to not only contact my birth mother, but maybe even meet her.
A social worker sent me a form to fill out complete with a letter that I should write to my birth mother. A letter to my birth mother…Yes, that’s been the one thing holding me back. How do you write a letter to your birth mother? I thought I knew, but I don’t want to blow this opportunity. I don’t want to come off too pushy, but don’t want to seem disingenuous. I want to be honest, but not brutally so. I’ve written the first sentence of my letter probably close to 20 times now, and I still can’t seem to get the right tone.
I always imagined that this would be much easier than it is. And even if I do manage to complete this letter to her, there is absolutely no reason for me to expect for anything else to happen. Who knows, the information could be outdated, she might not be ready to come to terms with my existence…she might not even be alive.
I guess it’s just been easier for me to imagine than it is in reality. Or maybe it’s just because that’s the only way I’ve been able to digest the notion that my birth mother is out there maybe. And the whole time, I’ve forgotten that I can rely on the support from other adoptees whom I know only through this blog. Well, if you have advice, I’d love to hear it.